Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
