dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
