Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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