I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
