Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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