her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
