apparently the secret to your success is patron
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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