All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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