Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
