I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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