i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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