2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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