I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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