dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
