She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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