I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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