12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
