oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize