I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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