a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
