I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
