ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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