My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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