Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
