It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
