i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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