she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
