:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
