haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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