I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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