She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
