I CAN MOONWALK!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
