dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
