I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize