I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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