Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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