May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
