just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
