I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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