I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
