If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
