I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
