1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
