Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
40s are totally the cure
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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