There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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