So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
