You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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