why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He has the fingertips of a God
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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