I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
