**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
