Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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