im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
