It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
