There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
