I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
