we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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