I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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