Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize