There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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