i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need water and some morals
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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